As Good As New! MY FOOT!

Again, I ask my self the question why would anyone opt to have surgery, cosmetic anyway...okay some surgeries can't be passed by...and some are life saving... but you are never 100% your self again...

Tiny aches and pains... things not fully functioning correctly... people take a chance everytime they go under the knife.. especailly for cosmetic stuff that it will turn out right... and if it doesn't well forget trying to correct it... because there is no chance of that...!

Just like a car... after it's new once maintenace is done... there always seems to be some other problem...or it could just be human error...Just because you have something done... doesn't mean you will come out good as new...in fact hardly ever... my Doctor said and I quote " After surgery things are not quite they same are they"...

Ha I guess not...and yet people still take chances anyway, on a gamble for perfection... I guess what I am trying to say is... unless you absolutely need it... and or it's a life saving surgery... don't take the risk... cause you are never 100% and you are never, ever as good as new!

Just asked my fused muscle that's attached to my (fake) boobie that I now have to get therapy on to loosen up!  Damn inplant!

Crushing the Crush!

Is it silly to say you have a crush on someone?  Especially somone famous?  I don't know.  I thought maybe it would be a good idea being that I am in the same business, but pish posh I guess I was wrong. 


There is a certain someone who shall remain nameless, ok let's be real there are certain someones that shall remain nameless that I have had a huge crush on.  I have also had the oppurtunity to meet and once in a while make out with said crush.  However, what do I have left.  Once the crush is revealed what's left.

Man woman crush:  Men seem to think that when you tell them your feeling them you want to sleep with them.  Some would say the challenge has been taken away.  How do you tell someone whe get's ass thrown at them on a daily basis that well... you just want to get to know them.  Could it be crusher is only blinded by the limelight of the crushee and the crushee can't trust the crusher as far as they can be thrown?

What's worse is when you tell the guy and he's like "Thanks" ugghhhhh..... that's almost as bad as I'm flattered, hell I think it's worse... just take my heart and eat it right in front of me would you.

Although a drunken mess when I said it, my heart still hurt and that was a wound that lasted well into sobriety.  I even had one crush tell me, "wow that's kind of grade school isnt it"?  Ouch, hurt my feelings much.

You know what, maybe the problem is me.  Maybe I have too many crushes, but what good is a girl with out a crush.  Not much I think but that's just me.

What to do? What to do?

Wow, I have so many questions, has anyone ever "won" their crush?  Are they still with them now?  Are crushes just for school girls?  Maybe so, but my heart doesn't agree.

A Memo for the Council of Mandom!

Ok can someone please tell me when this memo of laundry list questions was sent out.  Do men have some sort of book they read from,  to ask the same damn questions to women.  It drives me crazy!  So what do you do?  Where do you work?  How come your not married?  When was your last relationship?  Um hello,  is this an interview.  Or are you just asking because you really want me to know these things about you?  Please understand.  When your just being real.  Everything comes out in the wash.  You don't have to ask, if your vibin, the shit just comes out!

Will someone please forward me the memo.  I think it needs to be updated!  Times have changed people have changed.  Not everyone is the same nor do they need to be approached that way.  And to the fellas that think they are deep, trust me your not.  If you have gotten to the point where you are so busy listening to yourself talk.  That's a problem and most of us are sitting there stairing at you like what the HELL are you talking about.  All I said was please pass the butter!

Better yet here's a new memo:

To: Men
From: Me (and or women who feel me)
Re: Being real, and the way you approach a lady

To Whom It May Concern:

Please understand that when speaking to a woman, you can not approach each woman the same way.  Yes we know that if you have used that approach, and 9 times out of 10 it has worked then why change.  Well I guess that means you get what you ask for. 

However, the one time you change your approach, you might find yourself in a new found territory, that really intrigues you.   You might actually find the woman you say you really want, instead of the crazy, needy, young acting, immature women you continuosly use the 9 times out of 10 lines with.

How bout this, if you get past the initial meeting, try listening to the woman and feel her out, see what she has to say, and ask her questions regarding actual statements she has made. 

Also, if there are signs that the woman is crazy, (which there always are) you may want to go running for the hills.  Because other women really don't want to hear about your crazy baby momma drama.  And how all of sudden out of the clear blue sky this woman is stalking you and calling and emailing the women you date, and saying your still together when your not.  We just don't!

Sincerely,

Me!

After hearing this time and time again from friends men included, because don't get it twisted (WE WOMEN CAN BE JUST AS BAD).  You know the women who take a good guy and break him down so bad he's no good to any body anymore. 

I don't speak for all women I am just making and observation, However, I have heard too many women including myself speak about how crazy this is.  Dating, Marriage, wooing, it's not rocket science, but if your just looking to kick it or just sex and nothing more just say so.  So no one's time is wasted.  JUST SAY SO!  Life is not complicated people are.

Please burn that memo and have the council of Mandom make an updated one!  One that works for this century.

Thanks for listening

A bit of the old, a mix of the new!

This is the old me... the photo your looking at... but I realized something... there are aspects of me that are still her...!

I guess I should explain... right before I got cancer I was this size, I worked out hard... I ate right.. didn't really drink...but still I got cancer...!  Then 3 years and 5 surgeries later I ballooned to a size that I had no idea I could get to, my body changed drastically... I was devistated, depressed, and then I said Fuck it... if doing all the right things got me cancer then I'm gonna do all the bad things.

I have to say I have let my weight be a safety blanket...the thing that I once despised I allowed to be my shield from the world...I became too comfortable... its one thing to accept where you are at the moment... but it is a far more important to accept and then continue to move on... I have to say I miss this... I miss this body, I miss the energy I had the way I felt...!  I want this back... so it is my intent to get it.

I am going to mix a little bit of the old with the new... I must say... I am forever changed by what happened to me... so the mentality of the girl you see in this photo is totally different than who I am today... but there are aspects of her that I want to remember, and re-capture!

Long enough have I sat in this place...I even went as far to say that I booked more things this size then I ever had....that may be true...but it doesn't have to do with size...it's my mentality... I am a changed person... I walk proudly into my destiny with no fear... I have survived cancer...If I can do this I can do anything.!  So here I go on a new journey of health and wealth...!

One way to inspire is not by talking, but walking so enough with the words! She and I have some stuff to do!

I Wish

I wish I could see through rose colored glasses
I wish I was a glass is half full type of person
I wish I wasn't so sensitive
I wish I didn't always care what other people think of me.
I wish I was stronger.
I wish I knew true love.
I wish I had a better relationship with my mother.
I wish my Grandmother and Grandfather were alive.
I wish I could trust in God more.
I wish I wasn't so affraid.
I wish I could win the lottery.
I wish I was thinner.
I wish I didn't talk so much when I am drunk.
I wish I knew my father.
I wish I wasn't so cynical.
I wish there was someone to make all my wishes come true.

This Month!

This month has been interesting... I was actually diagnosed with Breast Cancer... during breast cancer month... so you can imagine the ringing in my ear... everytime this month comes around I am happy to say it's get's a  lil bit easier... a lil easier to deal... to cope... to live... as this is my fourth time around...!

January I will be celebrating 5 years and it is a bit bitter sweet... As I have said before my mom is now contending with the same disease...We have learned that her journey has not ended just yet and she has more to do. Interesting right... I use the word her journey... her journey is her's alone... as I can relate to the pain and the idea of what is going on... I have not had to deal with other aspects... things that she has to do... was only a mere idea for me.

I have always known that people handle greif, death, and other life situations in their own way... but it pains me to say that my mom is handling her pain in a way that causes her to shut people out... mainly me... I have not really spoken to my mom since she found out the cancer was found in her lymphnodes...!

I know some of you are thinking well what is that about and I wish I could tell you the whole story... and maybe soon I will but.. for right now I am giving her space... and taking my own so that we can come back to being on the same page.

I guess I am saying all of this to say... please pray for us... this is a very trying time for her.. and me...!  Sometimes one has to reach out beyond themselves and ask for help!

Thank you in advance!

I've Come So Far/ That was then... this is now!

Every now an again I like to read things I wrote... I'm not a big journal keeper and this blog I think is my real first time keeping a journal... but every now and then... i do take time to write my feelings down... I was going throug some old files on my computer and ran across a letter I wrote myself a year ago...I was really amazed to see how much had changed... and how much writing had helped me leave it all behind...!  I wanted to share the letter!

A Open Letter

Dear Nikea,

Sometimes, you let things get in the way of your happiness.  How do you keep that happiness constant!  Is there something physical that can make you happy, or should you just be happy in general.  Everyone has bad days, but there are people who's days are worse than yours.  Should you forget about your day and think about how bad their day is?  Or mourn your day, so you can move past it?

I am a liar, and have been lying to everyone for a while, things are not great, I am not happy and I am hurting, hurting bad, and there seems to be nothing I can do about it right now.  This is the first time I have felt like a human since finding out I had cancer.  I watched Richard pryor say, after a burn victim is burned, they have no feelings and then one day.  All the feelings come out in the wash.  Litterally, he was sitting in a tub being washed and he said it was the most indescribable pain he had ever felt.  However, that was the first time he had felt anything since being burned.

That's how I feel now.  It has almost been 3 years and I have not felt anything, until I was put in the preverbial tub, now the pain is unbareable, but I guess I have to have it to get out on the other end, and it takes time for wounds to heal, but eventually my scars will fade and I will look like a person again!  One thing I know for certain, is that I am forever changed.

The guts it is taking right now to admit to being a liar is hard, and even harder to feel weak in front of people who think you have been so strong.  As I know none of you have asked for it.  I feel it my duty in some weird way to make you feel better about it.  The fact is I am still alive and kicking, I fought a dastardly disease, that could have taken my life.  However, I personally have not Dealt with it.  Now it's taking over the laughter and smiles and saying deal with me!  So I must.  Well here I am, revealing the most intimate parts of me to friends and strangers.  If you see me next time and my smile is not so bright don't fret, my burns are healing, and my muscles will get stronger, so I can smile again!

As I know this is not your fight,or your problem to deal with.  I just thought it would help you better understand where I was coming from and what I am going through.

I love you!
Nikea

Poster Child For Positive Thinking

I have been kicked, punched, put down... turned around and them some... but through it all I have come out on top.

I have been talked about...lied on...battled disease... and have still come out a winner...!  How you ask?  Well even through all God has held me... picked me up...closed my ears... dusted me off... and has blessed me leaps and bounds...!

My mom had her surgery on Wednesday and came through with flying colors...!  Although things seemed rough I tried to maintain the attitude of this is only temporary... these things that happen are only things that will drive you... and draw you nearer to God..!

When cancer got me... I was angry with God... but just as a parent he understands... just as much as you love your mother and your father...some times your just not speaking to them... I came to understand more and more that if I just put my trust and faith in him... I will always be alright.

No matter your spiritual belief a positive outlook is always the best thought process...there is always something to be thankful for, grateful for! 

I am surely learning that the glass is half full and trying to live my life as such... So if you need some positivity... Stop on by... the posterchild is here. :)

Sometimes I Wonder!

Have you ever wonderd how different your life would be, if you had taken a different route, or made different decisions.  However, the decision at the time, was probably the best at that moment.

My college has a kind of myspace, and we are all much older and probably alot wiser.  I use probably loosly cause who really knows.  Of course these things bring up memories and past loved ones or hated ones, that you used to deal with in college.


As I think on things and think wow, that could have been me married with 3 kids and a dog, living in not Los Angeles, and probably not following my dreams.  I have to wonder could it have been so.   Then I think well could I have my cake and eat it too.  Would someone have been supportive of me pursuing a career in Los Angeles, as and actress and the answer is probably no.

Not that the men were not fantastic, in their own way because they were, and I start to realize that I probably dodged some major bullets.  And mostly I would probably have alot of regrets.  Most of the men who were nearest and dearest to me at the time, were just people to show me what I wanted and deserved.  However, I bet if I poled them Los Angeles would not be their ideal place to live or raise children.

Got me to thinking you know, If my steps are ordered by God, he knew exactly where I would end up.  Did I forgo marriage and kids for career.  Well not exactly.  I don't know if I would have been ready for all of that right out of college.  Do I feel I may have missed the marriage boat.  Well maybe.  The pickens of men in college were far greater then I have now, but I still don't know if I'm ready.  Would I have done some things differently well sure, but I also know everything happens for a reason.

I have never been the type to go on about my wedding.  I have never sat and planned it, I don't have a book that I have had since I was 5, and been updating since.  I know that I desire it, and if it happens great, but if not I'm fine with that too.   I think I want kids, when I hold them and love them, there is a lil thing that says aww, I want one, but then, I also enjoy the freedom I have to get up and go.  Although I know things always do change, I guess I will just keep moving, and keep living each day one day at a time.

I guess I will always wonder what if, but it is time to let that go and live in the present.  Anytime you try and go backwards it never seems to work, and you can't change the past, so I guess I have to "Just Keep Swimming".
 
I guess what I'm saying is, I wonder if college was it, was it the only chance I had to have a marriage and a family, and did I blow it.  But, ours is not to wonder why ours it but to do or die.  So here I am doing, and knowing that if it's love and marriage and kids are meant for me then it will be! 

I don't have to wonder anymore.

Maybe it's you!

Ok, have you ever heard someone complain sooo much about everything, that you start to wonder, what in their life has gone right.?

I mean dang do you just have the worst timing, the worst luck, or is it you?

Have you ever heard somone say, god I can't keep a man/woman, or their relationships/friendships always seem to bite them in the ass later on.

At what point do you ask the question, maybe it's me!

I used to work as a personal asst, and she complained that her asst never seemed to work out, and that she was starting to think it was her.  As I began to work for her.  I realized it was her!  Thank goodness she was open enough to see that maybe if things weren't going so well maybe I need to look at myself, and see what I can change.

One of the tuffest things to do is look inside and see your flaws.  It's easier to blame everyone else because it lets you off the hook.  However your luck is the same, and will continue to be until you exam YOUR SELF!

Your problems stem from past problems, which begets new problems, which in turn manifest themselves in your relationships, and if you haven't taken stock and said hmmm what the hell is going on with me.  What ever you try and do will never work out.

How can you be good to anyone else, when you are no good to YOUR SELF.

Come on people stop playing the blame game, and look inside, God knows you  need to get your shit together, but most importantly So Do You!

When you are young at heart!

I was hanging with friends who I have have known for almost 30 years!  We haven't changed a bit.  I mean sure we have gotten more mature... we look a bit older... but if I did a side by side comparison... I would say we look exactly the same...!

Mostly our spirit's havent' changed... I am sitting at my God Son's birthday party he is turned 12 ouch (and a deep voice) don't even get me started on that!  I don't even know where 11 went but that's a whole nother story... and here we are shaperoning a bunch of tweens...as I look around I realize I still feel like a tween my self.... You couldn't have told me 25 years ago that I would be sitting here at my God Son's birthday and he's turning 12... Hell you couldn't have told me I would even have a God Son... LOL!

Wow I am actually growing older... and realizing that... Age is nothing but a number and you truly are as old as you feel...Acting your preverbial age is a choice... not something you have to do...!  Now I don't have some Peter Pan complex... and I'm not doing a Mariah staying 12 forever...cause a 12 year old can't do what an adult does! but as I looked around at my child hood friends... I realized that we still have the best thing going for us... Our zest for life, and our undying youth... now don't get me wrong we are certainly adults.... but we are definately amongst the very young at heart!

The Best Advice is Usually Your Own

Lately, it seems I have been full of advice.   Lots of people are going through all sorts of stuff, and generally, while your giving advice someone is also giving advice to you.
 
However, the advice you give is great because you are not going through, what that person is.  It's always easier to give great advice when your free and clear of that particular trouble.


The funny part is, the adivce your giving, is probably meeting you right where you are.  Or it's great future advice for you.  I'm sure what ever your friend is going through you've either been there, or about to go there, and well listen to your self when you talk.

The term your preaching to the chior has never made more sense.  And the next time you are in the situation think back on the advice you so sternly gave, and apply to yourself, because you were right the first time.

The truth is when you give advice, the best advice for you is your own.

House of Beauty This Is Cutie

Okay...so I was trying to think of the last time that I felt smokin hot... like looked smokin hot, felt smokin hot... and the boys just wouldn't stop drueling.

Then I realized something... I never pay attention... I mean... what is my problem... I think sub-contiously I just ignore them so I don't have to wonder if they are or not... isn't silly.. in fact I don't think I remember the las time I flirted...What the hell is that... and I am a good flirter...!

So this week I feel it my duty to flirt... make eye contact...blow kisses... and give good hugs to total strangers... stare at the cute guy in the car next to me and smile...just to step my game up...!

Then maybe i won't have to remind myself to do it... it will just happen!

Chances

How many chances are you given in a life and when do you know that you have been given another.....

Some would dare to say it is when you've had a near death experience or some might even say when you've seen your life flash in front of your eyes.....

Sometimes I wonder if that's even what you need.  If we're not satisfied with what's going on why don't  we change it.   

 

I realized I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why this happened instead of being grateful for my second chance.

The question isn't why did this happen because I may never have a clear answer for that.  But what can I do with the second chance @ life I have been given.....

Ok so I don't necessarily look how I want but I can change a major part of that and I don't necessarily have to make an announcement about it, but this way I know it's real.....

So thank GOD for chances 1st, 2nd or 3rd.  I have it and I am not gonna take it for granted.....

Last Night a DJ Saved My Life

Is it me or does music just make you feel better sometimes.  You hear a song that can take you back to your fondest memories or the worst time of your life.  It's almost like your mood can be set by it.


There is music for Love, Hate, Anger, Romance, Sex, everything.  Basically our lives have soundtracks.  I used to think it was only for the movies.  But then I realized there are moments when songs play in your head.

For example when you think your Hot and your walking down the street.  There is a song that can instantly pop into your head and you find your self walking to that beat.
 
What's your soundtrack?

Closing A Chapter

At a point in time...I had to find my own closure with someone that I deeply loved... I was young and so was he... but I knew my love was real... and were not talking teenage love... I mean we were both at the age where... people fall in love and get married.!  I didn't know if that was in the cards for us... but what I did know is that I was in love... his love well?....!

Needless to say the relationship ended abruptly... with no real explanation... and certain things happend during that time that were life changing...I was left to deal with that pain alone...I even had to find my own closure because I didn't know if there would ever be a moment where we would just be able to sit down and talk...!

10 years later...he pops up, and in the most random of places gotta love facebook... and we decide to meet... I don't expect anything... and believe whole hearted that I had/have moved on... and much to my surprise... I had... I mean I actually had...seeing him was nice...it made me realize that I am a strong person and that I can handle pretty much anything... and the closure I had to seek on my own had occured...!

Also, much to my surprise...He brought up the past and apologized for all he had done... and I had apologized for my doings in it as well... as it takes two to tango...we sat and just looked at each other for a while wondering if we could even just be friends again... I was a gammut of emotion... I went from feeling sorry for him and me... to understanding that it's hard to forget the past... but if you forgive the past it's easy to talk about the past...! 

Although, some things remain the same alot has changed... he's gone through alot and so have I...but... there was one more thing I needed to know... because of the love I had for him... sometimes that just makes even the smallest act of intamacy that much deeper... so as we kissed.... there was no bells, now whistles, no bombs bursting in the air... it was done...!

That particular door was closed... I don't know if we will actually be able to be friends... I'm not even sure if we will see each other again... but I do know that Chapter of my life was, is and has been closed!

It's the little things and the joy they bring

It's the little things in life that should make us happy right?  When did we become so grand gesture hungry.

How come we have to win the 120 million in the lottery why can't we just be satisfied with the 7 mill.
Why do we need a 9 bedroom house why can't we just be satisfied with a 2 bedroom fixer upper.
Why do we need the hottest guy (bad boy) on the block, why can't we just be content with the man who loves us unconditional.

As I started to ponder these things I realize, I need to start appreciating the little things again.  Like the fact that I woke up this morning.  My car started.  I have a job in this F'd up economy.  I survived cancer!

I am reminded that life is too short to be angry and tense about the things that I can't control, the saying is true when life gives you lemons you make lemonade.  I realized, that there have been times I didn't know how I was going to pay my rent, or how I was going to get this and do that.  But it worked out, and I was lax in my greatfullness.

I am beginning to understand that all GOD wants from us is to be greatful. Live decent lives and look to him alone for our peace.
 
So thank you, for the little things, the small gestures, the safe passage, the breath of life, the healing, the friends, the family, the love unconditional, the non judgement, the making a way out of no way, the understanding, for what you are about to do, and what you have already done.

Guess the little things are GRAND after all!

STRESS!

Okay seriously....I'm stressed... I'm feeling a bit like Michael and Janet and I want to SCREAM.... this has been a very trying month and I guess I didn't really realize how stressed I was until right now... kind of wishing I had one of those squishy ball things... to throw at someone's head, and scream really loudly in their face... I think that will make me fill better... LOL!  What do you think..?

I have secretly had a fantasy of 1 throwing a glass of water dramaticly in someone's face... and or tossing a table over in disgust because someone has pissed me off... I am starting to think anything could set me off right now... I am waiting for the guy to cut me off in the middle of the road when I leave so I can yell profanities at him...! 

You know what I think I'll do... I will go in my care and scream out loud... or go home and have a fight with my bed...  you know punch the pillow's till I am exhausted...!

I used to take a boxing class and that helped a TON but again...recession can't afford 59.00 dollars a month to punch a damn bag... LOL!

So Question?  Consider that fact the I have no money...what do you do to relieve stress... and mind you we are not talking manny, peddy, or spa day!

I Digress!

So with all the Hullabaloo (mom stuff) I am trying to get back on track... and to update... mom is okay... she now just has to decide what procedure she wants to have done, and waiting for surgery dates... the good news is she doesn't have to do chemo or radiology! (soooo relieved)

So now back to me... I did not mention this before but I am an actor... and when I was hit with cancer I had to kind of take a break from it...it was hard for me cause I really love it...and I thought I would loose my chops... I had even thought I made a mistake... that maybe God didn't really want me to be an actor... and cancer was his way of saying stop it... sounds silly I know...but it's really what I thought..!  So I got a desk job and I was miserable... some pretty great things happend to me on that job... I got my first Story By credit on a Lifetime movie... but the acting bug was still nudging at me... then I thought about it.

God gives you certain gifts, and it is for us to use those gifts for his purpose...and to uplift him... and show that we are working in those gifts truly and fully... I began to understand that my lesson was not that I wasn't supposed to act...its just he had something else for to do... art sometimes imitates life, and through my education in acting it has made me very passionate... and has taken all my shyness away... so that I am one... working in the gift of acting... and two... spreading the word about this disease (cancer) and showing people that life is short, to short to not be doing what you were Called to do!

You too may be sitting at a job you hate and your thinking I wish I was doing this or that... well the thing you fear most is the thing you should do because it's a challenge... and it's okay to fail the first go round, but it's what you take from that failure and apply when you TRY again!

So, now I can say with a proud voice I am an actor... and the race is not given to the swift but the one who endureth till the end...Now that's something you can take to heart... I know I have!

Grateful!

There are several reasons why I should be grateful.
 
I woke up this morning to see another day.

I have a job

I have food to eat

Clothes on my back

A God who love me regardless of the things I do or don't do.

A close loving family

But mostly I am grateful for having some of the best friends a person could imagine.  I always hear how amazed people are to find out I am friends with so many woman, and then when they meet them they can't believe how great they are.  My answer is I can't believe you haven't been able to be blessed with the same honor.  To be able to share some of your deepest feelings under the protection of someone who cares so much for you, and you them.  Some one you would protect and fight for.

Of course there are things that I still want like husband and family, but I know that will come in it's own time.  However, my continual admiration, love and respect for the woman I have been blessed to know in this life.  For that I am truly grateful!

Love you guys!

Little Victories!

Oh My goodness....got some really good news today.... my mom may only have to have a mastectomy...which means... the cancer may not have spread to far... Thank God for that... it's funny to think that you could be happy even though she still has to deal with this disease... but it is a small victory because I know the chances of her being here (on this earth) much longer is going to happen... She and I will both survive this, and we can work together to make sure this never happens again..!

I fully understand now why it's the little things that make life worth while... and the little victories that help you appreciate and revel in what God is able to do!  Once again I find myself thanking my friends for letting me talk throught these things.  It helps me to process it all and I know they always have my back.. the prayers were felt...!

Now I will definately keep you all updated on what's going on with my mom... but now I can really focus on this being a Braless In the City type blog... hmmm maybe a name change is also needed... The life of a Saucy, Sexy, Cancer Free, lady!  Well I may have to work on that a bit...!

Thanks to all of you blog readers as well!

This Time It's Different!

I have to say honestly...it's weird being on this side of the chair... it's an interesting thing having gone through this whole cancer thing myself... and now watching my mom go through it... I find my self relating to her in so many different ways...I have a strong understanding of her feelings... her mental state and just all around empathy for what's happening.

When I was going through it...we were starting from scratch... and we had barely any information and through God's blessings I was with the right set of doctors and they were making my life a ton easier... Now my mom is using those same doctors... and the comfort level is astounding... I mean we are like old pro's as crazy as that sounds... I know whole hearted that we will get through this no matter the outcome.! That alone makes me deal with things a little bit better... I mean after you get over the initial shock of the situation.. I was able to come back to earth a little.

Right now I am in a good place... All I can do is go day by day... take one step at a time... and pray for the best result... I wish this wasn't happening to me.. I honestly do... I wish this wasn't happening to my mom... I wish there was something I could do to make this all go away.. Like there was some alternate universe we could go to and everything would be fine.. but here we are... pushing away...doing our best... and getting closer as we go on!

Holy Distraction Bat Man

Okay! why can't I seem to work...Oh wait I know why... I'm distracted...um there is a lot going on right now... and I am distracted...rightfully so...but when the distraction becomes a piece of doing your job wrong...what do you do to solve it.?

I mean silly little mistakes but, I know at some point that lil mistake may turn in to a big one... and then what! Will they understand that I am dealing with a lot...will they be sympathetic...well I certainly hope so...cause I can't guarantee how long this distraction will be... I am doing the best I can. I just hope everyone knows that!

It's Morning!

(Sigh) today is a new day... and thank God for it... I had a chance to seriously try and process all that has been going on...it's hard to believe that this is happening, but it definitely is...Now all I can do is take it day by day...! Pray for a blessed outcome, what ever it may be...!

Which brings me to this...It's interesting because I had already made up my mind to do a breast cancer walk...A wonderful set of ladies Shelley Otto and Monica Payne who make up the Honey Collective and I have joined forces to do the City of Hope Walk On October 25th.

This past Sunday August 16th at Falcon we had a sign up and we will be having another on August 30th at the Falcon and 2 more in September (location TBA)...Then a huge Pink party on October 6th at the Roosevelt to celebrate the walk itself.

This walk is especially close to me now not just because I am a survivor, but because of my mom and City of Hope is the number one cancer research facilitythat is trying to figure out why breast cancer is so aggressive in black women.

If you can't make any of the events... Here are instructions on how to sign up for the walk...our team name and other information you might need... the walk is in Duarte CA about an hour away...so we are going to have some party buses take us out there:

To Register for HONEY WALKS FOR LIFE GO TO:

http://nationalevents.cityofhope.org/site/TR/Walk/General/637097249?pg=team&fr_id=1115&team_id=5310

Click on “Join Team” (listed in pink text)
Enter the information requested by the website.

I would love it if you would join.! Also pass this along to whomever you would like... we are trying to get 500 people to walk with us...! Men and Women!

Don't ask how I feel...because I have no clue!

So here I am writing this blog to say hey look at me...moving on with my living... living life only as I can live it... loving, happiness, joy bliss...loving that fact that this world can still be my oyster...then it happens.!

In an instant your life has changed...I can't really believe I am sharing this, but I just learned that my Mom has cancer...Yes I said it my mom...first me and now her...what is happening...what is happening????? How am I supposed to deal with this too... what, what, what, what, what am I supposed to do...? Okay yes I have the tools...I've been here my self before...but this time I'm in the chair and she is on the table...I am wise...in the sense that I know the questions to ask...but in asking those questions I am not getting the answer's I want to hear.

Okay the good news my mom is 61 not 41 or 26...so this kind of thing happens as you get older...okay I can deal with that... but her cancer is different in that it has the possibility of spreading. Of course we don't know all of the answers yet... but damn it, damn it, damn it!

Am I numb?... well not really... I can still feel, but can I express those feelings in a way you would understand them to find some comfort... probably not...am I comforted well in a way... I am proud that I can be a sounding board for my mother if she needs me... Truth is I have never met anyone who's had cancer before their mom did... what the hell is that... and when asked does it run in the family well Hell I guess sooo....!

I fully intended on coming on today and writing about a valuable lesson I learned this weekend about men and blah blah blah... the truth is none of that Shit matters... life is of the utmost importance... and holding on to that life is even more important...Bills, house, car, job none of it matters. The thing that matters most it's what's in front of you...and that's living life to the fullest... AT ALL TIMES!

I will say this...there are a lot of things that I could be feeling right now.. and this particular blog may not make any sense...but hey I needed to get it out... and well maybe this isn't the one that is witty or full of hope... maybe this one just is!

However, if you asked me how I'm doing... I couldn't tell ya... cause I have no earthly idea!

Mojo

Um, can you tell me where it went?

I know I had it, let me see, I lost it some where between college and moving back to LA. But then I remember a few years ago it was poppin. Now it just comes in spurts.

What is it about certain people that just draws you to them. Have you ever met someone and everytime they go anywhere, there is always someone trying to hit on them. Be it male or female. What is it about them. Looks, personality, confidence, style. I have no idea, but it never seems to fail them. Ugly, or fine, that person always gets hit on.

Then you have the person (which sometimes seems to be me) I am in total shock when someone even says hi. So I try and be extra nice because I don't want to seem rude or bitchy. Which is hilarious to me. Because you never know who your gonna meet.

Every now and again, I feel it toying with me. It will give me a little bit and take it's self back. You know the times when you feel the sexiest. Mine usually occurs on the dance floor. I feel like I am the sexiest thing on the planet, and I feel like my mojo is watching me going see, you can do it. You don't need me. Is it a wizard of OZ type of thing. I have had it all along but I just have to believe?

Maybe, my sexy is on hiatus, maybe it needs a break, maybe, just maybe, it's waiting for it's comeback. I just can't seem to find it. If you've seen my mojo, can you tell it I'm looking for it, and I miss it, and that I am sorry for anything I did to make it go away. I really, really am sorry, and I hope that we can reconcile and let bigon's be bigon's because I really need you.

I Miss My Tits!

I can't really imagine why anyone, in their right mind would choose to have breast augmentation. The only real good thing about it, is that you never have to wear a bra again.

The rest well the rest just kind of sucks. Lets just say, I did not opt to do this as most of you know. I had 34DD breast on my own with beautiful cleavage, Big giant dark nipples and they sagged just so...

Now I have these large lumps that just sit up all day and make it hard to sleep on my stomach. The doctors assure me that they are going to get softer but when. In the next 5 years when I have to have them removed and put back in. Oh you didn't know about that did you. Once you have it done, you will have to get them redone every ten years.

I mean think about it. When your laying in your coffin, your face is as wrinkled and old as a prune. (of course not my face becasue black don't crack, I mean I may have smile lines but that would be the extent of it, I digress) ,but your tits, are as perky as they ever were. Do people think about these things, and when your flesh falls off, there will be these big giant scilicon things laying next to your bones, that totally out lasted you.

I guess what I miss most of all is the way they looked in a shirt, they way they kind of swole and got extra perky before that time of the month. The way guys used to drool over them as I passed by. The way they jiggled when I did certain dance steps!

Sounds silly I know, but this is the way I feel I lost a part of who I was, kind of like having a leg amputated, my tits were something that made me feel like a whole person, a whole woman, and yes I am grateful to be here, and yes I still have a bust line, but they also have serial numbers, my tits were mine.

I miss my tits!

Hello

Ok, So here I am a blogger, yikes, well at least this blog can't get me sued. I have tried and tried again not to get into this but it seems like I have no choice in the matter. As it approaches my anniversary, for those who may or may not know me, or just getting introduced. My name is Nikea Gamby-Turner and October 2004 I was diagnosed with Cancer. Being that I am only 25 ten years ago. I am actually 35 now but I'm an actress so you see my point, and so young at that, I find myself in a weird place. Happy to be alive, but wondering what lesson if any is to be learned.

This being my only means of outlet for my feelings, I have taken to writing about it. Keeping a journal too hard, my mind goes faster than my hands and then I can't go back and read what I wrote because it looks like chicken scratch (isnt' that nice). "Why didn't you try a group"? You ask because everytime I speak to another person about the ordeal it is never comforting nor does it feel like closure, its more comparing war stories and well I just want to feel better about things and myself. Also, what they don't tell you is how to survive surviving cancer! I guess it's not something they can tell you in a book, it's your own journey they have a manual for everything else, why isn't there a "SURVIVING BREAST CANCER FOR DUMMIES" book.

Some would probably say I was/am a confident person, but I know in the earlier years I put on a show, wow hard for me to say that. Didn't really want people to know that I wasn't really doing that well, infact I was not doing good at all. I kept a smile on my face because sure things could have been a hell of alot worse, but I laugh to keep from crying, and occupied alot of my time with doing stuff just so I don't have to be alone to cry. But the fact is I was/and maybe still am hurt and I am not entirely over it. I don't think I will ever be over it.

They write in books that around your anniversary it is possible to get depressed and have mixed feelings and cry and, and, and, well I still feel all of those things. I am angry, I am angry with god, I am angry with myself (don't know why don't think I did anything to deserve nor did I ask for this) angry at my mom because she was holding it all in for me, and I felt like I couldn't talk to her because it would make her more upset. I just felt ALONE! It's no one's fault, just the way I REALLY feel.

My friends if you are reading this, I appreciate all you have done for me, just listening to me talk and cry and talk and cry and laugh and cry, I don't think I could have made it through with out all your love and support. I feel bad when sometimes some of you look at me and tell me I am the strongest person you know or how strong I am because honestly somtimes I feel weak and tired. Yes I fought but I couldn't fight without all of you having my back. So i commend you! AND THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. And I know I probably don't have to ask, I ask for your continued support because as this wound is still very new I may need to do a little more crying and laughing and talking.

What I am beginning to understand is that I will never know exactly why this has happend to me, but I have been given an oppurtunity, and am trying to find my way. So just be with me, this is a process and I feel myself actually becoming stronger everyday.

Stay tuned hopefully these things will be less of a drag! Wow great way to start a blog huh!
Hope you read my next one!

P.S. I have to say there is something really invigorating about being honest when no one is looking! I might just be ok after all.