A bit of the old, a mix of the new!

This is the old me... the photo your looking at... but I realized something... there are aspects of me that are still her...!

I guess I should explain... right before I got cancer I was this size, I worked out hard... I ate right.. didn't really drink...but still I got cancer...!  Then 3 years and 5 surgeries later I ballooned to a size that I had no idea I could get to, my body changed drastically... I was devistated, depressed, and then I said Fuck it... if doing all the right things got me cancer then I'm gonna do all the bad things.

I have to say I have let my weight be a safety blanket...the thing that I once despised I allowed to be my shield from the world...I became too comfortable... its one thing to accept where you are at the moment... but it is a far more important to accept and then continue to move on... I have to say I miss this... I miss this body, I miss the energy I had the way I felt...!  I want this back... so it is my intent to get it.

I am going to mix a little bit of the old with the new... I must say... I am forever changed by what happened to me... so the mentality of the girl you see in this photo is totally different than who I am today... but there are aspects of her that I want to remember, and re-capture!

Long enough have I sat in this place...I even went as far to say that I booked more things this size then I ever had....that may be true...but it doesn't have to do with size...it's my mentality... I am a changed person... I walk proudly into my destiny with no fear... I have survived cancer...If I can do this I can do anything.!  So here I go on a new journey of health and wealth...!

One way to inspire is not by talking, but walking so enough with the words! She and I have some stuff to do!

I Wish

I wish I could see through rose colored glasses
I wish I was a glass is half full type of person
I wish I wasn't so sensitive
I wish I didn't always care what other people think of me.
I wish I was stronger.
I wish I knew true love.
I wish I had a better relationship with my mother.
I wish my Grandmother and Grandfather were alive.
I wish I could trust in God more.
I wish I wasn't so affraid.
I wish I could win the lottery.
I wish I was thinner.
I wish I didn't talk so much when I am drunk.
I wish I knew my father.
I wish I wasn't so cynical.
I wish there was someone to make all my wishes come true.

This Month!

This month has been interesting... I was actually diagnosed with Breast Cancer... during breast cancer month... so you can imagine the ringing in my ear... everytime this month comes around I am happy to say it's get's a  lil bit easier... a lil easier to deal... to cope... to live... as this is my fourth time around...!

January I will be celebrating 5 years and it is a bit bitter sweet... As I have said before my mom is now contending with the same disease...We have learned that her journey has not ended just yet and she has more to do. Interesting right... I use the word her journey... her journey is her's alone... as I can relate to the pain and the idea of what is going on... I have not had to deal with other aspects... things that she has to do... was only a mere idea for me.

I have always known that people handle greif, death, and other life situations in their own way... but it pains me to say that my mom is handling her pain in a way that causes her to shut people out... mainly me... I have not really spoken to my mom since she found out the cancer was found in her lymphnodes...!

I know some of you are thinking well what is that about and I wish I could tell you the whole story... and maybe soon I will but.. for right now I am giving her space... and taking my own so that we can come back to being on the same page.

I guess I am saying all of this to say... please pray for us... this is a very trying time for her.. and me...!  Sometimes one has to reach out beyond themselves and ask for help!

Thank you in advance!

I've Come So Far/ That was then... this is now!

Every now an again I like to read things I wrote... I'm not a big journal keeper and this blog I think is my real first time keeping a journal... but every now and then... i do take time to write my feelings down... I was going throug some old files on my computer and ran across a letter I wrote myself a year ago...I was really amazed to see how much had changed... and how much writing had helped me leave it all behind...!  I wanted to share the letter!

A Open Letter

Dear Nikea,

Sometimes, you let things get in the way of your happiness.  How do you keep that happiness constant!  Is there something physical that can make you happy, or should you just be happy in general.  Everyone has bad days, but there are people who's days are worse than yours.  Should you forget about your day and think about how bad their day is?  Or mourn your day, so you can move past it?

I am a liar, and have been lying to everyone for a while, things are not great, I am not happy and I am hurting, hurting bad, and there seems to be nothing I can do about it right now.  This is the first time I have felt like a human since finding out I had cancer.  I watched Richard pryor say, after a burn victim is burned, they have no feelings and then one day.  All the feelings come out in the wash.  Litterally, he was sitting in a tub being washed and he said it was the most indescribable pain he had ever felt.  However, that was the first time he had felt anything since being burned.

That's how I feel now.  It has almost been 3 years and I have not felt anything, until I was put in the preverbial tub, now the pain is unbareable, but I guess I have to have it to get out on the other end, and it takes time for wounds to heal, but eventually my scars will fade and I will look like a person again!  One thing I know for certain, is that I am forever changed.

The guts it is taking right now to admit to being a liar is hard, and even harder to feel weak in front of people who think you have been so strong.  As I know none of you have asked for it.  I feel it my duty in some weird way to make you feel better about it.  The fact is I am still alive and kicking, I fought a dastardly disease, that could have taken my life.  However, I personally have not Dealt with it.  Now it's taking over the laughter and smiles and saying deal with me!  So I must.  Well here I am, revealing the most intimate parts of me to friends and strangers.  If you see me next time and my smile is not so bright don't fret, my burns are healing, and my muscles will get stronger, so I can smile again!

As I know this is not your fight,or your problem to deal with.  I just thought it would help you better understand where I was coming from and what I am going through.

I love you!
Nikea

Poster Child For Positive Thinking

I have been kicked, punched, put down... turned around and them some... but through it all I have come out on top.

I have been talked about...lied on...battled disease... and have still come out a winner...!  How you ask?  Well even through all God has held me... picked me up...closed my ears... dusted me off... and has blessed me leaps and bounds...!

My mom had her surgery on Wednesday and came through with flying colors...!  Although things seemed rough I tried to maintain the attitude of this is only temporary... these things that happen are only things that will drive you... and draw you nearer to God..!

When cancer got me... I was angry with God... but just as a parent he understands... just as much as you love your mother and your father...some times your just not speaking to them... I came to understand more and more that if I just put my trust and faith in him... I will always be alright.

No matter your spiritual belief a positive outlook is always the best thought process...there is always something to be thankful for, grateful for! 

I am surely learning that the glass is half full and trying to live my life as such... So if you need some positivity... Stop on by... the posterchild is here. :)