I've Come So Far/ That was then... this is now!

Every now an again I like to read things I wrote... I'm not a big journal keeper and this blog I think is my real first time keeping a journal... but every now and then... i do take time to write my feelings down... I was going throug some old files on my computer and ran across a letter I wrote myself a year ago...I was really amazed to see how much had changed... and how much writing had helped me leave it all behind...!  I wanted to share the letter!

A Open Letter

Dear Nikea,

Sometimes, you let things get in the way of your happiness.  How do you keep that happiness constant!  Is there something physical that can make you happy, or should you just be happy in general.  Everyone has bad days, but there are people who's days are worse than yours.  Should you forget about your day and think about how bad their day is?  Or mourn your day, so you can move past it?

I am a liar, and have been lying to everyone for a while, things are not great, I am not happy and I am hurting, hurting bad, and there seems to be nothing I can do about it right now.  This is the first time I have felt like a human since finding out I had cancer.  I watched Richard pryor say, after a burn victim is burned, they have no feelings and then one day.  All the feelings come out in the wash.  Litterally, he was sitting in a tub being washed and he said it was the most indescribable pain he had ever felt.  However, that was the first time he had felt anything since being burned.

That's how I feel now.  It has almost been 3 years and I have not felt anything, until I was put in the preverbial tub, now the pain is unbareable, but I guess I have to have it to get out on the other end, and it takes time for wounds to heal, but eventually my scars will fade and I will look like a person again!  One thing I know for certain, is that I am forever changed.

The guts it is taking right now to admit to being a liar is hard, and even harder to feel weak in front of people who think you have been so strong.  As I know none of you have asked for it.  I feel it my duty in some weird way to make you feel better about it.  The fact is I am still alive and kicking, I fought a dastardly disease, that could have taken my life.  However, I personally have not Dealt with it.  Now it's taking over the laughter and smiles and saying deal with me!  So I must.  Well here I am, revealing the most intimate parts of me to friends and strangers.  If you see me next time and my smile is not so bright don't fret, my burns are healing, and my muscles will get stronger, so I can smile again!

As I know this is not your fight,or your problem to deal with.  I just thought it would help you better understand where I was coming from and what I am going through.

I love you!
Nikea