It's the little things and the joy they bring

It's the little things in life that should make us happy right?  When did we become so grand gesture hungry.

How come we have to win the 120 million in the lottery why can't we just be satisfied with the 7 mill.
Why do we need a 9 bedroom house why can't we just be satisfied with a 2 bedroom fixer upper.
Why do we need the hottest guy (bad boy) on the block, why can't we just be content with the man who loves us unconditional.

As I started to ponder these things I realize, I need to start appreciating the little things again.  Like the fact that I woke up this morning.  My car started.  I have a job in this F'd up economy.  I survived cancer!

I am reminded that life is too short to be angry and tense about the things that I can't control, the saying is true when life gives you lemons you make lemonade.  I realized, that there have been times I didn't know how I was going to pay my rent, or how I was going to get this and do that.  But it worked out, and I was lax in my greatfullness.

I am beginning to understand that all GOD wants from us is to be greatful. Live decent lives and look to him alone for our peace.
 
So thank you, for the little things, the small gestures, the safe passage, the breath of life, the healing, the friends, the family, the love unconditional, the non judgement, the making a way out of no way, the understanding, for what you are about to do, and what you have already done.

Guess the little things are GRAND after all!

STRESS!

Okay seriously....I'm stressed... I'm feeling a bit like Michael and Janet and I want to SCREAM.... this has been a very trying month and I guess I didn't really realize how stressed I was until right now... kind of wishing I had one of those squishy ball things... to throw at someone's head, and scream really loudly in their face... I think that will make me fill better... LOL!  What do you think..?

I have secretly had a fantasy of 1 throwing a glass of water dramaticly in someone's face... and or tossing a table over in disgust because someone has pissed me off... I am starting to think anything could set me off right now... I am waiting for the guy to cut me off in the middle of the road when I leave so I can yell profanities at him...! 

You know what I think I'll do... I will go in my care and scream out loud... or go home and have a fight with my bed...  you know punch the pillow's till I am exhausted...!

I used to take a boxing class and that helped a TON but again...recession can't afford 59.00 dollars a month to punch a damn bag... LOL!

So Question?  Consider that fact the I have no money...what do you do to relieve stress... and mind you we are not talking manny, peddy, or spa day!

I Digress!

So with all the Hullabaloo (mom stuff) I am trying to get back on track... and to update... mom is okay... she now just has to decide what procedure she wants to have done, and waiting for surgery dates... the good news is she doesn't have to do chemo or radiology! (soooo relieved)

So now back to me... I did not mention this before but I am an actor... and when I was hit with cancer I had to kind of take a break from it...it was hard for me cause I really love it...and I thought I would loose my chops... I had even thought I made a mistake... that maybe God didn't really want me to be an actor... and cancer was his way of saying stop it... sounds silly I know...but it's really what I thought..!  So I got a desk job and I was miserable... some pretty great things happend to me on that job... I got my first Story By credit on a Lifetime movie... but the acting bug was still nudging at me... then I thought about it.

God gives you certain gifts, and it is for us to use those gifts for his purpose...and to uplift him... and show that we are working in those gifts truly and fully... I began to understand that my lesson was not that I wasn't supposed to act...its just he had something else for to do... art sometimes imitates life, and through my education in acting it has made me very passionate... and has taken all my shyness away... so that I am one... working in the gift of acting... and two... spreading the word about this disease (cancer) and showing people that life is short, to short to not be doing what you were Called to do!

You too may be sitting at a job you hate and your thinking I wish I was doing this or that... well the thing you fear most is the thing you should do because it's a challenge... and it's okay to fail the first go round, but it's what you take from that failure and apply when you TRY again!

So, now I can say with a proud voice I am an actor... and the race is not given to the swift but the one who endureth till the end...Now that's something you can take to heart... I know I have!

Grateful!

There are several reasons why I should be grateful.
 
I woke up this morning to see another day.

I have a job

I have food to eat

Clothes on my back

A God who love me regardless of the things I do or don't do.

A close loving family

But mostly I am grateful for having some of the best friends a person could imagine.  I always hear how amazed people are to find out I am friends with so many woman, and then when they meet them they can't believe how great they are.  My answer is I can't believe you haven't been able to be blessed with the same honor.  To be able to share some of your deepest feelings under the protection of someone who cares so much for you, and you them.  Some one you would protect and fight for.

Of course there are things that I still want like husband and family, but I know that will come in it's own time.  However, my continual admiration, love and respect for the woman I have been blessed to know in this life.  For that I am truly grateful!

Love you guys!

Little Victories!

Oh My goodness....got some really good news today.... my mom may only have to have a mastectomy...which means... the cancer may not have spread to far... Thank God for that... it's funny to think that you could be happy even though she still has to deal with this disease... but it is a small victory because I know the chances of her being here (on this earth) much longer is going to happen... She and I will both survive this, and we can work together to make sure this never happens again..!

I fully understand now why it's the little things that make life worth while... and the little victories that help you appreciate and revel in what God is able to do!  Once again I find myself thanking my friends for letting me talk throught these things.  It helps me to process it all and I know they always have my back.. the prayers were felt...!

Now I will definately keep you all updated on what's going on with my mom... but now I can really focus on this being a Braless In the City type blog... hmmm maybe a name change is also needed... The life of a Saucy, Sexy, Cancer Free, lady!  Well I may have to work on that a bit...!

Thanks to all of you blog readers as well!

This Time It's Different!

I have to say honestly...it's weird being on this side of the chair... it's an interesting thing having gone through this whole cancer thing myself... and now watching my mom go through it... I find my self relating to her in so many different ways...I have a strong understanding of her feelings... her mental state and just all around empathy for what's happening.

When I was going through it...we were starting from scratch... and we had barely any information and through God's blessings I was with the right set of doctors and they were making my life a ton easier... Now my mom is using those same doctors... and the comfort level is astounding... I mean we are like old pro's as crazy as that sounds... I know whole hearted that we will get through this no matter the outcome.! That alone makes me deal with things a little bit better... I mean after you get over the initial shock of the situation.. I was able to come back to earth a little.

Right now I am in a good place... All I can do is go day by day... take one step at a time... and pray for the best result... I wish this wasn't happening to me.. I honestly do... I wish this wasn't happening to my mom... I wish there was something I could do to make this all go away.. Like there was some alternate universe we could go to and everything would be fine.. but here we are... pushing away...doing our best... and getting closer as we go on!

Holy Distraction Bat Man

Okay! why can't I seem to work...Oh wait I know why... I'm distracted...um there is a lot going on right now... and I am distracted...rightfully so...but when the distraction becomes a piece of doing your job wrong...what do you do to solve it.?

I mean silly little mistakes but, I know at some point that lil mistake may turn in to a big one... and then what! Will they understand that I am dealing with a lot...will they be sympathetic...well I certainly hope so...cause I can't guarantee how long this distraction will be... I am doing the best I can. I just hope everyone knows that!

It's Morning!

(Sigh) today is a new day... and thank God for it... I had a chance to seriously try and process all that has been going on...it's hard to believe that this is happening, but it definitely is...Now all I can do is take it day by day...! Pray for a blessed outcome, what ever it may be...!

Which brings me to this...It's interesting because I had already made up my mind to do a breast cancer walk...A wonderful set of ladies Shelley Otto and Monica Payne who make up the Honey Collective and I have joined forces to do the City of Hope Walk On October 25th.

This past Sunday August 16th at Falcon we had a sign up and we will be having another on August 30th at the Falcon and 2 more in September (location TBA)...Then a huge Pink party on October 6th at the Roosevelt to celebrate the walk itself.

This walk is especially close to me now not just because I am a survivor, but because of my mom and City of Hope is the number one cancer research facilitythat is trying to figure out why breast cancer is so aggressive in black women.

If you can't make any of the events... Here are instructions on how to sign up for the walk...our team name and other information you might need... the walk is in Duarte CA about an hour away...so we are going to have some party buses take us out there:

To Register for HONEY WALKS FOR LIFE GO TO:

http://nationalevents.cityofhope.org/site/TR/Walk/General/637097249?pg=team&fr_id=1115&team_id=5310

Click on “Join Team” (listed in pink text)
Enter the information requested by the website.

I would love it if you would join.! Also pass this along to whomever you would like... we are trying to get 500 people to walk with us...! Men and Women!

Don't ask how I feel...because I have no clue!

So here I am writing this blog to say hey look at me...moving on with my living... living life only as I can live it... loving, happiness, joy bliss...loving that fact that this world can still be my oyster...then it happens.!

In an instant your life has changed...I can't really believe I am sharing this, but I just learned that my Mom has cancer...Yes I said it my mom...first me and now her...what is happening...what is happening????? How am I supposed to deal with this too... what, what, what, what, what am I supposed to do...? Okay yes I have the tools...I've been here my self before...but this time I'm in the chair and she is on the table...I am wise...in the sense that I know the questions to ask...but in asking those questions I am not getting the answer's I want to hear.

Okay the good news my mom is 61 not 41 or 26...so this kind of thing happens as you get older...okay I can deal with that... but her cancer is different in that it has the possibility of spreading. Of course we don't know all of the answers yet... but damn it, damn it, damn it!

Am I numb?... well not really... I can still feel, but can I express those feelings in a way you would understand them to find some comfort... probably not...am I comforted well in a way... I am proud that I can be a sounding board for my mother if she needs me... Truth is I have never met anyone who's had cancer before their mom did... what the hell is that... and when asked does it run in the family well Hell I guess sooo....!

I fully intended on coming on today and writing about a valuable lesson I learned this weekend about men and blah blah blah... the truth is none of that Shit matters... life is of the utmost importance... and holding on to that life is even more important...Bills, house, car, job none of it matters. The thing that matters most it's what's in front of you...and that's living life to the fullest... AT ALL TIMES!

I will say this...there are a lot of things that I could be feeling right now.. and this particular blog may not make any sense...but hey I needed to get it out... and well maybe this isn't the one that is witty or full of hope... maybe this one just is!

However, if you asked me how I'm doing... I couldn't tell ya... cause I have no earthly idea!

Mojo

Um, can you tell me where it went?

I know I had it, let me see, I lost it some where between college and moving back to LA. But then I remember a few years ago it was poppin. Now it just comes in spurts.

What is it about certain people that just draws you to them. Have you ever met someone and everytime they go anywhere, there is always someone trying to hit on them. Be it male or female. What is it about them. Looks, personality, confidence, style. I have no idea, but it never seems to fail them. Ugly, or fine, that person always gets hit on.

Then you have the person (which sometimes seems to be me) I am in total shock when someone even says hi. So I try and be extra nice because I don't want to seem rude or bitchy. Which is hilarious to me. Because you never know who your gonna meet.

Every now and again, I feel it toying with me. It will give me a little bit and take it's self back. You know the times when you feel the sexiest. Mine usually occurs on the dance floor. I feel like I am the sexiest thing on the planet, and I feel like my mojo is watching me going see, you can do it. You don't need me. Is it a wizard of OZ type of thing. I have had it all along but I just have to believe?

Maybe, my sexy is on hiatus, maybe it needs a break, maybe, just maybe, it's waiting for it's comeback. I just can't seem to find it. If you've seen my mojo, can you tell it I'm looking for it, and I miss it, and that I am sorry for anything I did to make it go away. I really, really am sorry, and I hope that we can reconcile and let bigon's be bigon's because I really need you.

I Miss My Tits!

I can't really imagine why anyone, in their right mind would choose to have breast augmentation. The only real good thing about it, is that you never have to wear a bra again.

The rest well the rest just kind of sucks. Lets just say, I did not opt to do this as most of you know. I had 34DD breast on my own with beautiful cleavage, Big giant dark nipples and they sagged just so...

Now I have these large lumps that just sit up all day and make it hard to sleep on my stomach. The doctors assure me that they are going to get softer but when. In the next 5 years when I have to have them removed and put back in. Oh you didn't know about that did you. Once you have it done, you will have to get them redone every ten years.

I mean think about it. When your laying in your coffin, your face is as wrinkled and old as a prune. (of course not my face becasue black don't crack, I mean I may have smile lines but that would be the extent of it, I digress) ,but your tits, are as perky as they ever were. Do people think about these things, and when your flesh falls off, there will be these big giant scilicon things laying next to your bones, that totally out lasted you.

I guess what I miss most of all is the way they looked in a shirt, they way they kind of swole and got extra perky before that time of the month. The way guys used to drool over them as I passed by. The way they jiggled when I did certain dance steps!

Sounds silly I know, but this is the way I feel I lost a part of who I was, kind of like having a leg amputated, my tits were something that made me feel like a whole person, a whole woman, and yes I am grateful to be here, and yes I still have a bust line, but they also have serial numbers, my tits were mine.

I miss my tits!

Hello

Ok, So here I am a blogger, yikes, well at least this blog can't get me sued. I have tried and tried again not to get into this but it seems like I have no choice in the matter. As it approaches my anniversary, for those who may or may not know me, or just getting introduced. My name is Nikea Gamby-Turner and October 2004 I was diagnosed with Cancer. Being that I am only 25 ten years ago. I am actually 35 now but I'm an actress so you see my point, and so young at that, I find myself in a weird place. Happy to be alive, but wondering what lesson if any is to be learned.

This being my only means of outlet for my feelings, I have taken to writing about it. Keeping a journal too hard, my mind goes faster than my hands and then I can't go back and read what I wrote because it looks like chicken scratch (isnt' that nice). "Why didn't you try a group"? You ask because everytime I speak to another person about the ordeal it is never comforting nor does it feel like closure, its more comparing war stories and well I just want to feel better about things and myself. Also, what they don't tell you is how to survive surviving cancer! I guess it's not something they can tell you in a book, it's your own journey they have a manual for everything else, why isn't there a "SURVIVING BREAST CANCER FOR DUMMIES" book.

Some would probably say I was/am a confident person, but I know in the earlier years I put on a show, wow hard for me to say that. Didn't really want people to know that I wasn't really doing that well, infact I was not doing good at all. I kept a smile on my face because sure things could have been a hell of alot worse, but I laugh to keep from crying, and occupied alot of my time with doing stuff just so I don't have to be alone to cry. But the fact is I was/and maybe still am hurt and I am not entirely over it. I don't think I will ever be over it.

They write in books that around your anniversary it is possible to get depressed and have mixed feelings and cry and, and, and, well I still feel all of those things. I am angry, I am angry with god, I am angry with myself (don't know why don't think I did anything to deserve nor did I ask for this) angry at my mom because she was holding it all in for me, and I felt like I couldn't talk to her because it would make her more upset. I just felt ALONE! It's no one's fault, just the way I REALLY feel.

My friends if you are reading this, I appreciate all you have done for me, just listening to me talk and cry and talk and cry and laugh and cry, I don't think I could have made it through with out all your love and support. I feel bad when sometimes some of you look at me and tell me I am the strongest person you know or how strong I am because honestly somtimes I feel weak and tired. Yes I fought but I couldn't fight without all of you having my back. So i commend you! AND THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. And I know I probably don't have to ask, I ask for your continued support because as this wound is still very new I may need to do a little more crying and laughing and talking.

What I am beginning to understand is that I will never know exactly why this has happend to me, but I have been given an oppurtunity, and am trying to find my way. So just be with me, this is a process and I feel myself actually becoming stronger everyday.

Stay tuned hopefully these things will be less of a drag! Wow great way to start a blog huh!
Hope you read my next one!

P.S. I have to say there is something really invigorating about being honest when no one is looking! I might just be ok after all.