Sometimes I Wonder!

Have you ever wonderd how different your life would be, if you had taken a different route, or made different decisions.  However, the decision at the time, was probably the best at that moment.

My college has a kind of myspace, and we are all much older and probably alot wiser.  I use probably loosly cause who really knows.  Of course these things bring up memories and past loved ones or hated ones, that you used to deal with in college.


As I think on things and think wow, that could have been me married with 3 kids and a dog, living in not Los Angeles, and probably not following my dreams.  I have to wonder could it have been so.   Then I think well could I have my cake and eat it too.  Would someone have been supportive of me pursuing a career in Los Angeles, as and actress and the answer is probably no.

Not that the men were not fantastic, in their own way because they were, and I start to realize that I probably dodged some major bullets.  And mostly I would probably have alot of regrets.  Most of the men who were nearest and dearest to me at the time, were just people to show me what I wanted and deserved.  However, I bet if I poled them Los Angeles would not be their ideal place to live or raise children.

Got me to thinking you know, If my steps are ordered by God, he knew exactly where I would end up.  Did I forgo marriage and kids for career.  Well not exactly.  I don't know if I would have been ready for all of that right out of college.  Do I feel I may have missed the marriage boat.  Well maybe.  The pickens of men in college were far greater then I have now, but I still don't know if I'm ready.  Would I have done some things differently well sure, but I also know everything happens for a reason.

I have never been the type to go on about my wedding.  I have never sat and planned it, I don't have a book that I have had since I was 5, and been updating since.  I know that I desire it, and if it happens great, but if not I'm fine with that too.   I think I want kids, when I hold them and love them, there is a lil thing that says aww, I want one, but then, I also enjoy the freedom I have to get up and go.  Although I know things always do change, I guess I will just keep moving, and keep living each day one day at a time.

I guess I will always wonder what if, but it is time to let that go and live in the present.  Anytime you try and go backwards it never seems to work, and you can't change the past, so I guess I have to "Just Keep Swimming".
 
I guess what I'm saying is, I wonder if college was it, was it the only chance I had to have a marriage and a family, and did I blow it.  But, ours is not to wonder why ours it but to do or die.  So here I am doing, and knowing that if it's love and marriage and kids are meant for me then it will be! 

I don't have to wonder anymore.

Maybe it's you!

Ok, have you ever heard someone complain sooo much about everything, that you start to wonder, what in their life has gone right.?

I mean dang do you just have the worst timing, the worst luck, or is it you?

Have you ever heard somone say, god I can't keep a man/woman, or their relationships/friendships always seem to bite them in the ass later on.

At what point do you ask the question, maybe it's me!

I used to work as a personal asst, and she complained that her asst never seemed to work out, and that she was starting to think it was her.  As I began to work for her.  I realized it was her!  Thank goodness she was open enough to see that maybe if things weren't going so well maybe I need to look at myself, and see what I can change.

One of the tuffest things to do is look inside and see your flaws.  It's easier to blame everyone else because it lets you off the hook.  However your luck is the same, and will continue to be until you exam YOUR SELF!

Your problems stem from past problems, which begets new problems, which in turn manifest themselves in your relationships, and if you haven't taken stock and said hmmm what the hell is going on with me.  What ever you try and do will never work out.

How can you be good to anyone else, when you are no good to YOUR SELF.

Come on people stop playing the blame game, and look inside, God knows you  need to get your shit together, but most importantly So Do You!

When you are young at heart!

I was hanging with friends who I have have known for almost 30 years!  We haven't changed a bit.  I mean sure we have gotten more mature... we look a bit older... but if I did a side by side comparison... I would say we look exactly the same...!

Mostly our spirit's havent' changed... I am sitting at my God Son's birthday party he is turned 12 ouch (and a deep voice) don't even get me started on that!  I don't even know where 11 went but that's a whole nother story... and here we are shaperoning a bunch of tweens...as I look around I realize I still feel like a tween my self.... You couldn't have told me 25 years ago that I would be sitting here at my God Son's birthday and he's turning 12... Hell you couldn't have told me I would even have a God Son... LOL!

Wow I am actually growing older... and realizing that... Age is nothing but a number and you truly are as old as you feel...Acting your preverbial age is a choice... not something you have to do...!  Now I don't have some Peter Pan complex... and I'm not doing a Mariah staying 12 forever...cause a 12 year old can't do what an adult does! but as I looked around at my child hood friends... I realized that we still have the best thing going for us... Our zest for life, and our undying youth... now don't get me wrong we are certainly adults.... but we are definately amongst the very young at heart!

The Best Advice is Usually Your Own

Lately, it seems I have been full of advice.   Lots of people are going through all sorts of stuff, and generally, while your giving advice someone is also giving advice to you.
 
However, the advice you give is great because you are not going through, what that person is.  It's always easier to give great advice when your free and clear of that particular trouble.


The funny part is, the adivce your giving, is probably meeting you right where you are.  Or it's great future advice for you.  I'm sure what ever your friend is going through you've either been there, or about to go there, and well listen to your self when you talk.

The term your preaching to the chior has never made more sense.  And the next time you are in the situation think back on the advice you so sternly gave, and apply to yourself, because you were right the first time.

The truth is when you give advice, the best advice for you is your own.

House of Beauty This Is Cutie

Okay...so I was trying to think of the last time that I felt smokin hot... like looked smokin hot, felt smokin hot... and the boys just wouldn't stop drueling.

Then I realized something... I never pay attention... I mean... what is my problem... I think sub-contiously I just ignore them so I don't have to wonder if they are or not... isn't silly.. in fact I don't think I remember the las time I flirted...What the hell is that... and I am a good flirter...!

So this week I feel it my duty to flirt... make eye contact...blow kisses... and give good hugs to total strangers... stare at the cute guy in the car next to me and smile...just to step my game up...!

Then maybe i won't have to remind myself to do it... it will just happen!

Chances

How many chances are you given in a life and when do you know that you have been given another.....

Some would dare to say it is when you've had a near death experience or some might even say when you've seen your life flash in front of your eyes.....

Sometimes I wonder if that's even what you need.  If we're not satisfied with what's going on why don't  we change it.   

 

I realized I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why this happened instead of being grateful for my second chance.

The question isn't why did this happen because I may never have a clear answer for that.  But what can I do with the second chance @ life I have been given.....

Ok so I don't necessarily look how I want but I can change a major part of that and I don't necessarily have to make an announcement about it, but this way I know it's real.....

So thank GOD for chances 1st, 2nd or 3rd.  I have it and I am not gonna take it for granted.....

Last Night a DJ Saved My Life

Is it me or does music just make you feel better sometimes.  You hear a song that can take you back to your fondest memories or the worst time of your life.  It's almost like your mood can be set by it.


There is music for Love, Hate, Anger, Romance, Sex, everything.  Basically our lives have soundtracks.  I used to think it was only for the movies.  But then I realized there are moments when songs play in your head.

For example when you think your Hot and your walking down the street.  There is a song that can instantly pop into your head and you find your self walking to that beat.
 
What's your soundtrack?

Closing A Chapter

At a point in time...I had to find my own closure with someone that I deeply loved... I was young and so was he... but I knew my love was real... and were not talking teenage love... I mean we were both at the age where... people fall in love and get married.!  I didn't know if that was in the cards for us... but what I did know is that I was in love... his love well?....!

Needless to say the relationship ended abruptly... with no real explanation... and certain things happend during that time that were life changing...I was left to deal with that pain alone...I even had to find my own closure because I didn't know if there would ever be a moment where we would just be able to sit down and talk...!

10 years later...he pops up, and in the most random of places gotta love facebook... and we decide to meet... I don't expect anything... and believe whole hearted that I had/have moved on... and much to my surprise... I had... I mean I actually had...seeing him was nice...it made me realize that I am a strong person and that I can handle pretty much anything... and the closure I had to seek on my own had occured...!

Also, much to my surprise...He brought up the past and apologized for all he had done... and I had apologized for my doings in it as well... as it takes two to tango...we sat and just looked at each other for a while wondering if we could even just be friends again... I was a gammut of emotion... I went from feeling sorry for him and me... to understanding that it's hard to forget the past... but if you forgive the past it's easy to talk about the past...! 

Although, some things remain the same alot has changed... he's gone through alot and so have I...but... there was one more thing I needed to know... because of the love I had for him... sometimes that just makes even the smallest act of intamacy that much deeper... so as we kissed.... there was no bells, now whistles, no bombs bursting in the air... it was done...!

That particular door was closed... I don't know if we will actually be able to be friends... I'm not even sure if we will see each other again... but I do know that Chapter of my life was, is and has been closed!