Ok, So here I am a blogger, yikes, well at least this blog can't get me sued. I have tried and tried again not to get into this but it seems like I have no choice in the matter. As it approaches my anniversary, for those who may or may not know me, or just getting introduced. My name is Nikea Gamby-Turner and October 2004 I was diagnosed with Cancer. Being that I am only 25 ten years ago. I am actually 35 now but I'm an actress so you see my point, and so young at that, I find myself in a weird place. Happy to be alive, but wondering what lesson if any is to be learned.
This being my only means of outlet for my feelings, I have taken to writing about it. Keeping a journal too hard, my mind goes faster than my hands and then I can't go back and read what I wrote because it looks like chicken scratch (isnt' that nice). "Why didn't you try a group"? You ask because everytime I speak to another person about the ordeal it is never comforting nor does it feel like closure, its more comparing war stories and well I just want to feel better about things and myself. Also, what they don't tell you is how to survive surviving cancer! I guess it's not something they can tell you in a book, it's your own journey they have a manual for everything else, why isn't there a "SURVIVING BREAST CANCER FOR DUMMIES" book.
Some would probably say I was/am a confident person, but I know in the earlier years I put on a show, wow hard for me to say that. Didn't really want people to know that I wasn't really doing that well, infact I was not doing good at all. I kept a smile on my face because sure things could have been a hell of alot worse, but I laugh to keep from crying, and occupied alot of my time with doing stuff just so I don't have to be alone to cry. But the fact is I was/and maybe still am hurt and I am not entirely over it. I don't think I will ever be over it.
They write in books that around your anniversary it is possible to get depressed and have mixed feelings and cry and, and, and, well I still feel all of those things. I am angry, I am angry with god, I am angry with myself (don't know why don't think I did anything to deserve nor did I ask for this) angry at my mom because she was holding it all in for me, and I felt like I couldn't talk to her because it would make her more upset. I just felt ALONE! It's no one's fault, just the way I REALLY feel.
My friends if you are reading this, I appreciate all you have done for me, just listening to me talk and cry and talk and cry and laugh and cry, I don't think I could have made it through with out all your love and support. I feel bad when sometimes some of you look at me and tell me I am the strongest person you know or how strong I am because honestly somtimes I feel weak and tired. Yes I fought but I couldn't fight without all of you having my back. So i commend you! AND THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. And I know I probably don't have to ask, I ask for your continued support because as this wound is still very new I may need to do a little more crying and laughing and talking.
What I am beginning to understand is that I will never know exactly why this has happend to me, but I have been given an oppurtunity, and am trying to find my way. So just be with me, this is a process and I feel myself actually becoming stronger everyday.
Stay tuned hopefully these things will be less of a drag! Wow great way to start a blog huh!
Hope you read my next one!
P.S. I have to say there is something really invigorating about being honest when no one is looking! I might just be ok after all.
This being my only means of outlet for my feelings, I have taken to writing about it. Keeping a journal too hard, my mind goes faster than my hands and then I can't go back and read what I wrote because it looks like chicken scratch (isnt' that nice). "Why didn't you try a group"? You ask because everytime I speak to another person about the ordeal it is never comforting nor does it feel like closure, its more comparing war stories and well I just want to feel better about things and myself. Also, what they don't tell you is how to survive surviving cancer! I guess it's not something they can tell you in a book, it's your own journey they have a manual for everything else, why isn't there a "SURVIVING BREAST CANCER FOR DUMMIES" book.
Some would probably say I was/am a confident person, but I know in the earlier years I put on a show, wow hard for me to say that. Didn't really want people to know that I wasn't really doing that well, infact I was not doing good at all. I kept a smile on my face because sure things could have been a hell of alot worse, but I laugh to keep from crying, and occupied alot of my time with doing stuff just so I don't have to be alone to cry. But the fact is I was/and maybe still am hurt and I am not entirely over it. I don't think I will ever be over it.
They write in books that around your anniversary it is possible to get depressed and have mixed feelings and cry and, and, and, well I still feel all of those things. I am angry, I am angry with god, I am angry with myself (don't know why don't think I did anything to deserve nor did I ask for this) angry at my mom because she was holding it all in for me, and I felt like I couldn't talk to her because it would make her more upset. I just felt ALONE! It's no one's fault, just the way I REALLY feel.
My friends if you are reading this, I appreciate all you have done for me, just listening to me talk and cry and talk and cry and laugh and cry, I don't think I could have made it through with out all your love and support. I feel bad when sometimes some of you look at me and tell me I am the strongest person you know or how strong I am because honestly somtimes I feel weak and tired. Yes I fought but I couldn't fight without all of you having my back. So i commend you! AND THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. And I know I probably don't have to ask, I ask for your continued support because as this wound is still very new I may need to do a little more crying and laughing and talking.
What I am beginning to understand is that I will never know exactly why this has happend to me, but I have been given an oppurtunity, and am trying to find my way. So just be with me, this is a process and I feel myself actually becoming stronger everyday.
Stay tuned hopefully these things will be less of a drag! Wow great way to start a blog huh!
Hope you read my next one!
P.S. I have to say there is something really invigorating about being honest when no one is looking! I might just be ok after all.
You are more than okay my zaney friend. You are beautiful and honest. If you need to cry, CRY. No one has to understand. Trust me. I know!!! Love you and keep blogging!!
ReplyDeleteNikea - I'm following you from SITS and look forward to reading your blog
ReplyDelete