As Good As New! MY FOOT!

Again, I ask my self the question why would anyone opt to have surgery, cosmetic anyway...okay some surgeries can't be passed by...and some are life saving... but you are never 100% your self again...

Tiny aches and pains... things not fully functioning correctly... people take a chance everytime they go under the knife.. especailly for cosmetic stuff that it will turn out right... and if it doesn't well forget trying to correct it... because there is no chance of that...!

Just like a car... after it's new once maintenace is done... there always seems to be some other problem...or it could just be human error...Just because you have something done... doesn't mean you will come out good as new...in fact hardly ever... my Doctor said and I quote " After surgery things are not quite they same are they"...

Ha I guess not...and yet people still take chances anyway, on a gamble for perfection... I guess what I am trying to say is... unless you absolutely need it... and or it's a life saving surgery... don't take the risk... cause you are never 100% and you are never, ever as good as new!

Just asked my fused muscle that's attached to my (fake) boobie that I now have to get therapy on to loosen up!  Damn inplant!

Crushing the Crush!

Is it silly to say you have a crush on someone?  Especially somone famous?  I don't know.  I thought maybe it would be a good idea being that I am in the same business, but pish posh I guess I was wrong. 


There is a certain someone who shall remain nameless, ok let's be real there are certain someones that shall remain nameless that I have had a huge crush on.  I have also had the oppurtunity to meet and once in a while make out with said crush.  However, what do I have left.  Once the crush is revealed what's left.

Man woman crush:  Men seem to think that when you tell them your feeling them you want to sleep with them.  Some would say the challenge has been taken away.  How do you tell someone whe get's ass thrown at them on a daily basis that well... you just want to get to know them.  Could it be crusher is only blinded by the limelight of the crushee and the crushee can't trust the crusher as far as they can be thrown?

What's worse is when you tell the guy and he's like "Thanks" ugghhhhh..... that's almost as bad as I'm flattered, hell I think it's worse... just take my heart and eat it right in front of me would you.

Although a drunken mess when I said it, my heart still hurt and that was a wound that lasted well into sobriety.  I even had one crush tell me, "wow that's kind of grade school isnt it"?  Ouch, hurt my feelings much.

You know what, maybe the problem is me.  Maybe I have too many crushes, but what good is a girl with out a crush.  Not much I think but that's just me.

What to do? What to do?

Wow, I have so many questions, has anyone ever "won" their crush?  Are they still with them now?  Are crushes just for school girls?  Maybe so, but my heart doesn't agree.

A Memo for the Council of Mandom!

Ok can someone please tell me when this memo of laundry list questions was sent out.  Do men have some sort of book they read from,  to ask the same damn questions to women.  It drives me crazy!  So what do you do?  Where do you work?  How come your not married?  When was your last relationship?  Um hello,  is this an interview.  Or are you just asking because you really want me to know these things about you?  Please understand.  When your just being real.  Everything comes out in the wash.  You don't have to ask, if your vibin, the shit just comes out!

Will someone please forward me the memo.  I think it needs to be updated!  Times have changed people have changed.  Not everyone is the same nor do they need to be approached that way.  And to the fellas that think they are deep, trust me your not.  If you have gotten to the point where you are so busy listening to yourself talk.  That's a problem and most of us are sitting there stairing at you like what the HELL are you talking about.  All I said was please pass the butter!

Better yet here's a new memo:

To: Men
From: Me (and or women who feel me)
Re: Being real, and the way you approach a lady

To Whom It May Concern:

Please understand that when speaking to a woman, you can not approach each woman the same way.  Yes we know that if you have used that approach, and 9 times out of 10 it has worked then why change.  Well I guess that means you get what you ask for. 

However, the one time you change your approach, you might find yourself in a new found territory, that really intrigues you.   You might actually find the woman you say you really want, instead of the crazy, needy, young acting, immature women you continuosly use the 9 times out of 10 lines with.

How bout this, if you get past the initial meeting, try listening to the woman and feel her out, see what she has to say, and ask her questions regarding actual statements she has made. 

Also, if there are signs that the woman is crazy, (which there always are) you may want to go running for the hills.  Because other women really don't want to hear about your crazy baby momma drama.  And how all of sudden out of the clear blue sky this woman is stalking you and calling and emailing the women you date, and saying your still together when your not.  We just don't!

Sincerely,

Me!

After hearing this time and time again from friends men included, because don't get it twisted (WE WOMEN CAN BE JUST AS BAD).  You know the women who take a good guy and break him down so bad he's no good to any body anymore. 

I don't speak for all women I am just making and observation, However, I have heard too many women including myself speak about how crazy this is.  Dating, Marriage, wooing, it's not rocket science, but if your just looking to kick it or just sex and nothing more just say so.  So no one's time is wasted.  JUST SAY SO!  Life is not complicated people are.

Please burn that memo and have the council of Mandom make an updated one!  One that works for this century.

Thanks for listening

A bit of the old, a mix of the new!

This is the old me... the photo your looking at... but I realized something... there are aspects of me that are still her...!

I guess I should explain... right before I got cancer I was this size, I worked out hard... I ate right.. didn't really drink...but still I got cancer...!  Then 3 years and 5 surgeries later I ballooned to a size that I had no idea I could get to, my body changed drastically... I was devistated, depressed, and then I said Fuck it... if doing all the right things got me cancer then I'm gonna do all the bad things.

I have to say I have let my weight be a safety blanket...the thing that I once despised I allowed to be my shield from the world...I became too comfortable... its one thing to accept where you are at the moment... but it is a far more important to accept and then continue to move on... I have to say I miss this... I miss this body, I miss the energy I had the way I felt...!  I want this back... so it is my intent to get it.

I am going to mix a little bit of the old with the new... I must say... I am forever changed by what happened to me... so the mentality of the girl you see in this photo is totally different than who I am today... but there are aspects of her that I want to remember, and re-capture!

Long enough have I sat in this place...I even went as far to say that I booked more things this size then I ever had....that may be true...but it doesn't have to do with size...it's my mentality... I am a changed person... I walk proudly into my destiny with no fear... I have survived cancer...If I can do this I can do anything.!  So here I go on a new journey of health and wealth...!

One way to inspire is not by talking, but walking so enough with the words! She and I have some stuff to do!

I Wish

I wish I could see through rose colored glasses
I wish I was a glass is half full type of person
I wish I wasn't so sensitive
I wish I didn't always care what other people think of me.
I wish I was stronger.
I wish I knew true love.
I wish I had a better relationship with my mother.
I wish my Grandmother and Grandfather were alive.
I wish I could trust in God more.
I wish I wasn't so affraid.
I wish I could win the lottery.
I wish I was thinner.
I wish I didn't talk so much when I am drunk.
I wish I knew my father.
I wish I wasn't so cynical.
I wish there was someone to make all my wishes come true.

This Month!

This month has been interesting... I was actually diagnosed with Breast Cancer... during breast cancer month... so you can imagine the ringing in my ear... everytime this month comes around I am happy to say it's get's a  lil bit easier... a lil easier to deal... to cope... to live... as this is my fourth time around...!

January I will be celebrating 5 years and it is a bit bitter sweet... As I have said before my mom is now contending with the same disease...We have learned that her journey has not ended just yet and she has more to do. Interesting right... I use the word her journey... her journey is her's alone... as I can relate to the pain and the idea of what is going on... I have not had to deal with other aspects... things that she has to do... was only a mere idea for me.

I have always known that people handle greif, death, and other life situations in their own way... but it pains me to say that my mom is handling her pain in a way that causes her to shut people out... mainly me... I have not really spoken to my mom since she found out the cancer was found in her lymphnodes...!

I know some of you are thinking well what is that about and I wish I could tell you the whole story... and maybe soon I will but.. for right now I am giving her space... and taking my own so that we can come back to being on the same page.

I guess I am saying all of this to say... please pray for us... this is a very trying time for her.. and me...!  Sometimes one has to reach out beyond themselves and ask for help!

Thank you in advance!

I've Come So Far/ That was then... this is now!

Every now an again I like to read things I wrote... I'm not a big journal keeper and this blog I think is my real first time keeping a journal... but every now and then... i do take time to write my feelings down... I was going throug some old files on my computer and ran across a letter I wrote myself a year ago...I was really amazed to see how much had changed... and how much writing had helped me leave it all behind...!  I wanted to share the letter!

A Open Letter

Dear Nikea,

Sometimes, you let things get in the way of your happiness.  How do you keep that happiness constant!  Is there something physical that can make you happy, or should you just be happy in general.  Everyone has bad days, but there are people who's days are worse than yours.  Should you forget about your day and think about how bad their day is?  Or mourn your day, so you can move past it?

I am a liar, and have been lying to everyone for a while, things are not great, I am not happy and I am hurting, hurting bad, and there seems to be nothing I can do about it right now.  This is the first time I have felt like a human since finding out I had cancer.  I watched Richard pryor say, after a burn victim is burned, they have no feelings and then one day.  All the feelings come out in the wash.  Litterally, he was sitting in a tub being washed and he said it was the most indescribable pain he had ever felt.  However, that was the first time he had felt anything since being burned.

That's how I feel now.  It has almost been 3 years and I have not felt anything, until I was put in the preverbial tub, now the pain is unbareable, but I guess I have to have it to get out on the other end, and it takes time for wounds to heal, but eventually my scars will fade and I will look like a person again!  One thing I know for certain, is that I am forever changed.

The guts it is taking right now to admit to being a liar is hard, and even harder to feel weak in front of people who think you have been so strong.  As I know none of you have asked for it.  I feel it my duty in some weird way to make you feel better about it.  The fact is I am still alive and kicking, I fought a dastardly disease, that could have taken my life.  However, I personally have not Dealt with it.  Now it's taking over the laughter and smiles and saying deal with me!  So I must.  Well here I am, revealing the most intimate parts of me to friends and strangers.  If you see me next time and my smile is not so bright don't fret, my burns are healing, and my muscles will get stronger, so I can smile again!

As I know this is not your fight,or your problem to deal with.  I just thought it would help you better understand where I was coming from and what I am going through.

I love you!
Nikea